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The Top 10 Worst Movies of 2011

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EDIT (4/4/15): Whoops! I can NOT believe I left a certain movie out of the list, considering how ANGRY I was coming out of it (as if this list wasn't awful enough already). It's the new #6. I also added a "Dishonorable Mentions" section after Jack and Jill.
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Aaaaaallright, now to the final lists to cover, 2011... and I do NOT like this year very much... at all. I would go as far as to say, 2011 is one of the WORST years for movies- even worse than 2013, as I can tell you that I  LOVE every single movie that I put in my Top 10 (except for Monsters University)... I like a lot of the movies in my Top 10 list for 2011, but I would much rather watch things like Black Swan, Ditrict 9, Captain Phillips- those are ALL movies I genuinely love; but that's the other list. The reason why I'm not a big fan of this year in particular is because... the movies on THIS list could easily qualify for my "Worst of All Time"- these movies FUCKING... SUCK. If I could make this a Top 20- or hell, Top 30 Worst, I WOULD, but this is going to be a long list to talk about as it is, so let's get moving.



Were there... ANY horror movies at all in 2011? Look, I may not be a hardcore horror fan, but I get the appeal- there is something about what can scare someone that, that in and of itself is fun and interesting and memorable, I WANT to be scared by something that truly strikes me at the core... instead, the scariest thing about 2011 is the price for the tickets that I paid for at the box office.

#10. The Roommate

There's a lot of movies I could have pushed into this spot- Sanctum, Dream House, Shark Night- so many awful horror movies, but I picked The Roommate for being the worst one by far. See, the... sad thing about this movie is that I can at least mildly appreciate that it was not a jumpscare-a-minute type of horror movies; it played a lot of its scares in a much more subdued and subtle tone- which I would respect, except that the scares are subtle to the point that NOTHING HAPPENS. Or at least that's how it feels like- this is one of THE most boring horror movies I have ever seen in my life. Sure the idea of not knowing that your roommate is absolutely insane and possessive might have been interesting... that is until I discovered ANOTHER movie that had the same exact premise, Single White Female. Now, I didn't watch SWF, but reading about it made me realize that THIS movie pretty much ripped everything off the original point-for-point. So, not only is this movie boring and stupid, it's also redundant! On that note, I HATE how stupid they make the female characters in this movie, though to be fair, EVERYBODY is stupid in this movie, to the point where it should be a criminal offense. Speaking of that- fuck Cam Gigandet. That guy has GOT to be one of the worst actors I've seen in a horror movie... that's saying a LOT.



#9. The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn- Part 1

Let's just cut to the chase- this is the worst Twilight movie in the series, by far. This may come across as a shock to all of you, but I don't have the fiery bile and hatred for the Twilight series... at least when it comes to the movies individually. Sure, the special effects are laughable, the dialogue is abysmal, and I feel like I could nail a picture frame on Bella's forehead and she STILL would not emote the slightest bit, but I found the movies too pathetic to outright despise. I caught a lot of flak for giving the first Twilight movie an okay review and I could say at least one or two genuinely nice things about Eclipse, and for the series as a whole, I can at least say that they're not poorly directed and they have great cinematography and soundtracks.


...WITH THAT SAID, it's not like I'm NOT aware as to what the hell is wrong with this series- it suffers from TWO fatal flaws: the story and the characters, which are things that I kind of care about, and BOTH are at their absolute WORST here. This movie adds an extra flaw to this movie: pacing, because MY GOD, does this movie take its sweet time moving plot to plot. The wedding drags on for what feels like an eternity- at least a good third or so of the movie are spent with Bella and Edward... just STARING. For NO adequate reason, the werewolves switch from being happy about Bella having a baby to viciously trying to kill it... I don't know why! I guess the movie woke up and realized that nothing of substance had been going on FOR 30 FUCKING MINUTES! Worst of all, this movie has the AUDACITY to think it has the depth and nuance to talk about underage abortion... no, Stephanie Meyers, just... no. You are not smart enough to recognize that a giant wolf is not a werewolf, you are DEFINITELY not smart enough to talk about abortion. Normally a movie like this would rank WAY higher on the list, but because 2011 was SO bad, this is where it lands. Oh, I guess I shouldn't even mention how Jacob falls in love with a baby, do I? Yeah, I said enough.



#8. Cars 2 & Hoodwinked Too! Hood vs. Evil

Yeah, I decided to cover both of these at the same time, because... they are essentially the same thing, or at least suffer from the same problems, though both are key lessons on what happens when you don't give two shits about what you're making.

I feel betrayed- while I guess I shouldn't have been surprised that Cars 2 turned out to be bad, but I had NO idea it was going to be THIS bad. First, the movie is TOO goddamn long for having such a stupidly simple premise. Oh, the whole subplot of "the dumb American, roped into the adventure of a lifetime because some British dummies thought I was a spy"... even though they don't bother to give him a background check or anything- just pick up some random obnoxious hick. Oh, yeah- Mater is PARTICULARLY annoying here, because he is the main character of the movie. NO. Mater was the comic relief in the last movie for a REASON- he gets on your NERVES all throughout, and it's even worse when Lightning tries to get him to behave himself, but he won't because "he's the dumb redneck who can't learn a thing, no sir hycuk, hyuck, hyuck." Worse still, they try to make us feel SORRY for him for being this unforgivably obnoxious and refusing to do his job. Oh, you little BASTARD. It's one thing to give me a lame-ass spy comedy with predictable action and an even MORE predictable plot, but going the extra mile to make me feel sorry for a character who I'd much rather see blow up from the bomb he has stuck in his engine DESPITE the fact that he's been doing nothing but a humiliating dumbass to be stuck with for two godforsaken hours, you have crossed the line from being a bad animated movie to an insult. The fact that this comes from Pixar only makes it that much more painful. Well... maybe they're next movie will be better... oh, it's Brave- GODFUCKINGDAMMIT!

Hoodwinked Too! Hood vs. Evil (GOD, I hate that title.) doesn't fare much better, though. It's pretty much like Cars 2 if you took away the pretty visuals. Okay, except for the fact that the plot is totally different... it's not any better than Cars 2 rehashing every spy and action movie cliche under the sun but those who, for some reason that is BEYOND me actually like Cars 2 (yes, even those who are allowed outside of their houses after curfew), will point the finger and say that this movie suffers from cliches up the wazoo, obnoxious/uninteresting characters, and awful puns and pop culture references as jokes... all of which are completely true! But they were in Cars 2 JUST as much- actually moreso, thanks to Cars 2's obnoxious time limit (I'm sure by now you know what word I use to describe Cars 2, besides "boring as shit"), and I WAS tempted to stack Cars 2 higher on the list because of it, but then I remembered that I hated the original Cars, but actually really liked Hoodwinked. Sure, it had visuals that would make the Nintendo 64 cringe in horror, but it didn't matter much because the clever script and excellent jokes were what elevated from its hideous art style- and I respect that! I respect a movie (or show) that can get past its visuals to tell an interesting story... but that was NOT the case here. They did not CARE, at all- and it even shows in the visuals, the directors claimed that they were going for the style of the old Rankin-Bass stop-motion animation for the movie. Um, were you talking about Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer or Rudolph and the Island of Misfit Toys, because THAT makes more sense to me. I sure hope Al Pacino is getting royalties for every time that somebody says "Say hello to my little friend" (That awful turd that was Kick-Ass did it last year, and so did another movie on this list), but that just goes to show you, not only was the animation dated, so was the script.

What makes these movies SOMEHOW EVEN WORSE is that they came out in the same year as Rango, Kung Fu Panda 2, Puss in Boots, Arthur Christmas, The Rabbi's Cat, Winnie the Pooh- hell, Gnomeo and Juliet makes a better Pixar movie than Cars 2 and I'll even say Rio was good-ish... God, when Blue Sky is pumping out more enjoyable movies, you know you need to get your shit together, but no... we won't be seeing anything good from Pixar for a loooooooong time. And needless to say, no Hoodwinked Three... because we don't live in Bizarro World.



#7. Zookeeper

Oh God, I HATE it! Be afraid folks, 'cause this is NOT the only Happy Madison movie on this list. See... what makes this movie so bad is one... tiny... itty-bitty thing...

Kevin James is a moron!

Like, he's not a charming type of moron- he's not a Patrick Star- in his better days- somebody who you know is an idiot, but not unlikable or someone you can't have a fun time watching live how he views the world- no, Kevin James is like... Patrick Star... in his worst days... a complete unbearable asshole. And he is the main reason as to what's wrong with this movie. Sure, you might be saying: "Oh, Danny, how could you have expected a movie about a fat zookeeper who can talk to animals to be any good?", because it's not an uncreative ide- okay, fine, they jacked the idea from Dr. Dolittle, but THIS one is different, because this movie is all about Kevin James... impressing some girl.

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GENIUS! Even better, unlike in Dr. Dolittle, they DON'T bother to explain why Kevin James can talk to animals... AREN'T THESE SCRIPTWRITERS WONDERFUL?! Kevin James has NO charisma whatsoever- I'm harping on this one thing so much because most of the movie is spent WITH him- the zoo animals are BARELY in the movie- and you spend a lot of scenes with him telling a joke that ends nowhere or doing something so unbelievably stupid that even a five-year-old- no, a FETUS would feel like their intelligence is getting insulted. Though, even not counting the black hole of charm that is Kevin James... the rest of the movie isn't much better; the jokes have either no punchlines or go nowhere, and the characters feel like stereotypes so one-dimensional that cardboard boxes feel like less of a bore to be around, than to spend 2 hours with Kevin James and his unfunny ass. Oh, yeah, did I mention that this movie is ALMOST 2 GODDAMN HOURS LONG?!

WHO IS THE ASSHOLE WHO KEEPS MAKING MOVIES THAT DON'T NEED TO BE TWO HOURS LONG, TWO HOURS LONG?! WHY?! DO ANY OF THESE MOVIES HAVE ENOUGH STORY OR CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT OR EVEN FUNNY JOKES TO JUSTIFY THE BLOATED TIME LIMIT? FUCK NO! STOP IT! I'M SICK AND TIRED OF MOVIES THAT RUN FOR SO LONG FOR NO REASON! There's only so much of my brain cells I'm willing to kill in a certain amount of time- so either get some better editors or go fuck yourself.



#6. Transformers: Dark of the Moon

Now, what would a list of the worst movies of the year be complete without Michael Bay. And from the frequency of his name popping up on my lists, it looks like I have a major gripe with Michael Bay- I don't, nor for that matter do I consider myself a Transformers fan so that it would give me a guarantee voucher to hate these movies from the gate. I'll even admit, I DO like some Michael Bay movies- The Rock, Bad Boys II, The Island, Pain and Gain- there is definitely some credit to Michael Bay that he's good when he's doing "Michael Bay-ish" stuff... but oh, God, does it get exhausting- and that's the NICEST way I could put it. But watching these movies, Bay is not alone on this- the name Ehren Kruger showed up with this, with Revenge of the Fallen AND with Age of Extinction, as a writing credit in all three of the sequels... THAT EXPLAINS SO MUCH! It's not wonder all three of these movies are the same! They all pretty much run a checklist of the same, stupid, frat boy, baffling setpieces as the others do:

- Something from space that fires up the plot

- Offensive Stereotype (Black/Gay and Black, again/Japanese)

- Out-of-place Cringe-inducing comedy (humping dog + motherfucking testicles/Shia LaBeouf's parents + Ken Jeong humiliating himself/Stanley Tucci being annoying as fuck)

- Destruction of a major location, because why not? (Egypt/Chicago/China)

- Villain(s) with confusing or poorly clarified motivations (The Fallen/Shockwave + Sentinel Prime/Galvatron + Lockdown + that evil government guy)

- The worthless female character, who deserves EXTRA mention considering that we live in the age of strong female characters (Megan Fox/Rosie Huntington-Whiteley/Nicola Peltz)

Gee, it's like this guy has only a certain number of tricks up his sleeve, and you know what, maybe these movies wouldn't be as excruciating as they were if they weren't THREE GODDAMN HOURS LONG! They get on my nerves, and I don't have a clue HOW anybody could like these! Do you guys really want a breakdown of what this movie is? It's EXACTLY the same movie as Revenge of the Fallen, right down to them STEALING lines from other movies ("The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few" REALLY?!)- the fact that the movie opens proper with a scene the looks like straight out of a Victoria's Secret commercial or a bad porno tells you right off the bat that it is NOT getting any better than this... in a GODDAMN Transformers movie, of all things! I don't know who you are, but you must be one of those rabid Transfomers fans who will make sense out of bullshit, or you must have so few brain cells that any kind of noise or thrill must get you excited and you must think that kind of stimulation is wonderful going on for three hours straight. Or your a dumb 13-year-old boy- ANY of which make more sense than some sensible human being would dare to tell me that they thought THIS shit was good. Don't even bother trying to tell me what you think is good.



#5. Something Borrowed

I... should have saved my outrage for this entry, because... I think I found a romantic comedy I hate more than Bride Wars. This may seem shocking to you all, but here's the thing, Bride Wars really didn't have much going on besides "bitches be crazy for weddings" and that... pretty much sums up the whole movie. There is a LOT more going on in Something Borrowed, which is based on a book of the same name. Now, I didn't read the book, so I can't tell you how accurate the movie is to the book. Now, I've made it clear that I don't really care how accurate a movie adaptation (from a book or real life event or whatever) is to the details of its source so long as the movie is good, but if this movie is ANYTHING like the book, than I want to gather up as many of these books as I can and burn them in a bonfire, because it is getting away with murder!

See if you can follow this: Ginnifer Goodwin (Snow White in Once Upon a Time, a goofy-ass show) plays Rachel, Kate Hudson (You again?! And I was talking about Bride Wars, no less!) plays Darcy. Darcy and Rachel are best friends. Rachel has a crush on this hunky-dory boy, named Dex (played by Colin Egglesfield- no, I've never heard of him, either) but is too shy to ask him out, so Darcy tries to play cupid and get them together... which doesn't work, so Darcy starts going out with him instead for the next six years, but right before the two have their wedding, Rachel stumbles into Dex, the two have sex and leave Darcy in the dust.

... keeping up so far? See if you can spot the problem here. Now, I should clarify that Rachel is a super-shy girl- actually, she's a complete doormat- and Darcy is the biggest bitch from this side of the kennel, yet the two have... somehow been best friends since childhood. I should also add that despite the fact that Darcy is a bitch with a capital "C", she tires her hardest to get the couple together, and even throws a surprise party for Rachel... AND despite having no romantic interest with each other, somehow Rachel and Dex have been going out for six years, because... I don't know, aliens. Anyway, the point I'm getting at is that this movie is trying to justify betrayal from your best friend by causing her fiancee to cheat on them as a way to make her feel better for being a complete twat.


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NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. Nonononononononononono- JUST NO! I don't know from what kind of ass-backwards world these people are living in, but the message of the movie essentially boils down to "it's totally okay to do something shitty to somebody just so long as they were being shitty first". Yoooou, IDIOTS! That'd be like me saying: "Oh, sure that George Zimmerman is a  major asshole, so it's a good thing that I blew up his car and broke into his house! That'll teach him!" That only makes you look like an asshole, and this movie strips every single inch of likability from its entire cast by relying on that moral of "you can get away with doing shitty things so long as you're doing them to shitty people". Unless the joke is that this is a Seinfeld-like universe in which all of these characters pay for being complete shitbags (which they don't) or they're at least funny (which they're ALSO not), but NO they want you to walk away taking this message away seriously! Instead, this movie either thinks you should find them funny BECAUSE they are worthless scum OR that it is completely justified to be a terrible person just because you're doing to somebody who was being a worse human being than you... and EITHER WAY, THEY'RE WRONG! THEEEEEY'RE WROOOOOONG!

This movie gives no consequences to its "charismatic protagonists", just because they're the pretty ones who should get what they deserve, none of which is more poignant than with an ending that will make you audibly boo and jeer- let me tell you, it's the second year in a row where a movie was DESTROYED by a horrible ending, except that Remember Me wasn't all THAT bad until it got to the end- this movie is like riding at the top of a hill on a skateboard, then slipping up, scrapping your knees and elbows on the way, and then at the end you fall flat on your face and scrape your face off on the pavement. Ultimately, it's not a very pretty picture, is all I'm trying to say. But on the bright side, I'll know to not EVER watch anything else were I'm supposed to be rooting for a hero who's being a 100% bag of dicks only because everybody else just so happens to be worse. Ha ha ha, no sir... not ever, because God knows I'd lose my mind- especially if it's a character I really love, but that'll NEVER happen. Alright, I've tempted fate enough- #4.



#4. Beastly

Soooo... do you guys know what's WORSE than a Twilight movie? A Twilgiht KNOCK-OFF. 2011 had two "high-profile" Twilight wannabe B-listers- Red Riding Hood and Beastly. Now, I DID see Red Riding Hood and... yeah, it was a Twilight knock-off through and through, right down to stiff dialogue and lack of romantic chemistry, so you can consider THAT the unofficial #11 of this list, but the reason why I put Beastly so much higher is because it has all of that except A BILLION TIMES WORSE. The acting in this movie is Last Airbender level of bad. Alex Pettyfer is AWFUL, but wow... just, wow... I KNEW Vanessa Hudgens wasn't that good of an actress, but in THIS movie, she may be the ONLY character who somehow manages to have even less charisma than Bella Swan...

... I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW THAT LEVEL OF FAILURE WAS EVEN POSSIBLE!

I ALMOST want you all to go see this movie just so you can understand what I'm talking about! If those two actors being horrendous actors was the only thing wrong with this movie... it probably would have made the list anyway, but what makes this SO much worse than Twilight is because of the MORONICALLY-SHALLOW MESSAGE. You see, this movie is a modern retelling of Beauty and the Beast (if you all heard that sound, that was just another piece of my soul disintegrating) so Alex is the biggest and most shallow douchebag in the world until a curse gets cast on him to turn him... "hideous" until he- in one year- finds somebody who will fall in love with him... and he goes to find the hottest chick in school who is NOT a cheerleader.

Okay, first of all... hideous... THIS guy? 

s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/2…

... no, they don't change his body in the movie... at all. They only plant a few metal rods into his face, so he looks like Freddy Krueger's rebellious teenage son. Did I... also mention that he was a MILLIONAIRE? Okay, his father is... SO WHAT?! He STILL has easy access to a lot of money! I mean... it's not like people NEVER fall in love with somebody because of their money, that's CRAZY, am I right? (EAT ME, BEASTLY!) And so... this movie has the BALLS of giving us the message: "it's what's on the inside that counts", which doesn't really work if EVERYBODY IN YOUR MOVIE IS THIS FUCKING PRETTY! I DID say that Twilight at least had good direction and cinematography... GUESS WHAT'S NOT HERE?! There are montages of NOTHING happening in this movie. And I LITERALLY mean, NOTHING- characters just sitting, the plot moves nowhere, TWILIGHT didn't have that, because it's at least not brain-dead! This also has got to be one of the cheapest-looking movies ever- I mean this movie is CHEAP- cheap to the point that what is SUPPOSED to be a high school looks like the lobby at an airport where you watch the planes land, it is... humiliating. And this movie has at least a good seven or eight songs that play ALL throughout the movie because... you know, ACTUAL musical scores are expensive these days, so let's just license out some music from some crappy CW show, why don't we?

Well, at least if they wanted to do a PROPER parody of Twilight movies, this one is STILL pretty shitty, but at least you'll laugh here more than you will in Vampires Suck.



#3. Bucky Larson: Born to be a Star

Good Lord... I feel exhausted and I'm STILL not at #1. You know what, this movie fucking sucks. The end.



#2. Jack and-

Oh, alright! In this movie, Nick Swardson plays a country hick- GAAAAAAAAH!! I'M TOO FRESH OFF CARS 2 FOR THI- sorry. Anyway, a country hick who discovers his parents were... 70's pornstars and thinks that his destiny is to become a movie star... and so he leaves his home to go to LA and become a pornstart and...

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... guys... would you get mad at me if I finished this off with "Movie sucks. The end."? Because... it's just not getting better. THIS is the bottom of the barrel, and if Nick Swardson thought that this would be a great first starring vehicle for him to start his career as a movie star, then those fake buckteeth must be cutting the circulation to his cheap bowl-cut head. This is a gross-out film (just in case the premise didn't give it away), so I'm going to be talking about gross things... such as wild jizz sprays... dick and pubic hair jokes, and...


... I am going to save you all $5 and an hour and a half of your lives right now, the ONLY reason why this movie is not #1 is because:

A. The Top 2 movies ARE SOMEHOW EVEN FUCKING WORSE!

B. THIS: www.youtube.com/watch?v=pIr2l9…

THAT is the ONLY funny scene in the movie. And no, it doesn't make ANY sense IN context so... there. This movie is not worth any further thoughts on: THE END.

... and my God, if you want a better comedy starring Nick Swardson, go watch 30 Minutes of Less. No, it's not a comedy masterpiece, but it is an OSCAR winner compared to this just please, I BEG you, don't MAKE me relive this movie, PLEASE!



#2. Jack and Jill

Oh, don't act like you didn't see THIS one coming- the only real surprise here is that it's not #1. If you didn't think Sandler wasn't funny before... were WHERE you when he did Little Nicky? But, worse still, Sandler so gracefully introduced us to BY FAR, one of the most obnoxious, annoying, mean-spirited, grating EXUCSES of a character that I have EVER seen! Think of Jill as the comedy equivalent of Bella Swan, except that analogy is even WORSE than that implies.

Or better yet, just take Mater and make him a girl... and human... and JEWISH. That's one thing that this movie will drill into your skull- did you know that Jill is Jewish? Why they only say it in the movie lie EIGHTY TIMES! This ONE character combines the worst aspects of Cars 2, Zookeeper and Something Borrowed by giving you a character with ABSOLUTE ZERO REDEEMABLE QUALITIES, and the whole movie is about Jack trying to find her a husband (who turns out to be the totally-smitten and NOT total-sellout, Al Pacino). At the point where she starts screeching: "WHY DOES NOBODY LIKE ME?!"- Did I ALSO mention that she has one of the most obnoxious voice of any Adam Sandler character ever? Yes, I DARE say it's worse than the aforementioned Little Nicky and Eight Crazy Nights- you SHOULD want for her to get the verbal smackdown she deserves... no. Jack is labeled the bad guy, and we must step around eggshells with her, just because she's loud... and always says inappropriate things... and always demands to be the center of attention... and is a disgusting slob of a woman. Yeeaaah, it's ALSO kind of like Beastly in the regard where WE are supposed to find her as a beautiful on the INSIDE, despite the fact that not only is she ugly outside, she is a HIDEOUS MONSTER INSIDE!

For the record, I DO believe this deserved every single Razzie that it won- WELL deserved... but even with all of the venom I have been spewing at this list... there is not a single movie that pissed me off more than THIS following movie, and for THIS movie is the sole reason why I didn't want to do this list- I mean, it's NOT what most people would automatically think off when they think of "bad movies"- movies like The
Last Airbender
or Disaster Movie become notorious for a reason. But before that the Dishon... you know what? No. 2011 was full of SO shitty movies that 10 slots don't do it justice- so right here are 10 other movies to represent the worst of the worst.



Worst Movies of 2011, #20-#11

#20. The Hangover Part II: Now you guys know I LOVE The Hangover and this movie pulled a Transformers and thought that redoing the same movie again, but set it in a different place. The surprise is gone, all character has been sucked out, and so are the laughs.

#19. Shark Night 3D: Wow, did this movie rip you off, when they offer a 2D print of the film and the 3D print isn't even available for screening. I may have been able to forgive it, if the movie wasn't the poor, poor, poor, POOR man's version of Jaws.

#18. Apollo 18: This is probably the most disappointing movie I saw... no, I'm serious. The premise of a found footage movie recovered from the Moon DEFINITELY had some potential to be interesting, and Apollo 18 squanders it and THEN some. The less said about that stupid-ass ending the better.

#17. Abduction: Guys... I know Taylor Lautner is not the best actor (he's pretty awful, actually), but he is SO far from the only problem with this movie! The movie has godawful dialogue (wouldn't be out of place in Beastly), awful pacing, and, oh God, Sigourney Weaver, what have they DONE to you?!

#16. Green Lantern: Blows. It just... blows. Also, DC, you are NOT making good use of your Ryan Reynolds!

#15. Alvin and the Chipmunks: Chipwrecked: ... HAVE I EVER MENTIONED I HATE THE ALVIN AND THE CHIPMUNKS MOVIES?! BECAUSE I HATE, HATE, HATE THE ALVIN AND THE CHIPMUNKS MOVIES! And, oh, I WISH, I could have pushed this one on the list... but LUCKILY FOR YOU, MOVIE, there were several movies that came out that were WORSE! 

#14. Sanctum: Man is this movie STUPID. This movie is... a horror/disaster movie, that is chock-full of horror cliches. Now, unlike most horror movies that have come out, this one at LEAST has some balls to show some serious gore that actually looks and feels real... however, like MOST horror movies, it still suffers from being so goddamn dull.

#13. Mars Needs Moms: I don't know why I thought this would be good, considering it came from the same company that brought us The Polar Express and Disney's Christmas Carol, which I'm not a fan of either; but this is WAY worse than those two. It STILL feels more like scenes of pointless dialogue with some exciting set-pieces that are more akin to a video game than a movie, it's WAY too long, and the moral is... pretty bad. It may have made the list if it WASN'T THE ONLY MOVIE WITH A TERRIBLE MORAL THIS YEAR.

#12. Spy Kids 4: All The Time in the World: Good LOOOOORD, the time puns! THE TIME PUNS! AaaaaaaaaAAAAHHH!

#11. Red Riding Hood: Well, this is EXACTLY like Beastly except with better production values and... that's about it.



Now, dear reader...  I can NOT avoid it any longer- you will soon learn of what, to this day, is the movie that I... utterly DESPISE more than any other movie I've ever seen... besides, you can already see what it is.

#1. Sucker Punch

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I... like to consider myself a man of limits- despite what some of you out there might think, otherwise. You see, I have my own set of values and the... reason why I utterly LOATHE this movie as much as I do, is because this movie OFFENDS everything that I stand for. But... why Sucker Punch? Does this movie have  offensivly juvenile content, like Movie 43? No... does it have abysmal, kindergarten level of dialogue, like Beastly or the Twilight movies? No... does it have a horrible message? No... does it have a director who acts way more intelligent despite the fact that he's a complete hack and has a head full of hot air, like M. Night Shaymalan and Michael Bay in GOD knows how many movies? No!





IT HAS ALL OF THE ABOVE!




This movie just... FIRES every single synapse in my brain into an absolute RAGE that I... can't explain, and I don't know you guys will relate when I say that this movie is SO far up its own ass that I think it is remodeling its esophagus. Zack Snyder, big name director and even BIGGER professional dipshit, for... some reason manged to acquire so much clout and money that he pulled a Shaymalan and made his OWN Lady in the Water- a dark and twisted fairy tale that makes no GODDAMN sense to anybody except him. Why, a story about a girl who gets sent into an asylum for a lobotomy, after shooting her little sister while trying to defend her from her creep of a dad, who is now going to me getting away with his late wife's will, CERTAINLY had some potential to be something interesting, and I really mean it! It... COULD have been good IF the movie was all about her trying to escape her prison like any other regular prison movie out there...


... NEeeeeeeeOPE! That's NOT what happens, and instead we get this girl just zoning out into a fantasy every time something key to the story happens...


WHAT. THE SERIOUS. FUCK?


 These fantasies... are COMPLETELY UNNECESSARY! They're there because... I don't know, aliens. Apparently they carry some important meaning and I KNOW what it means, they mean that Zack Snyder doesn't know what the HELL he is talking about. What's the point of the samurai? Why the burlesque? Why Nazi zombies-? NAZI FUCKING ZOMBIES- WHAT?! Oh, yeah, they are TOTALLY creative and original... if you NEVER played Call of Duty: Black Ops, that is... though it DOES point to the inspiration behind this movie- this movie isn't ABOUT anything, it's all about shit that Zack Snyder likes: hot women, giant mechs, anime, dragons, video games, machine guns- it has everything and the kitchen sink, but they all add up to JACK SHIT. OOOOR have it be balls-to-the-wall fantasy if you want, but not this awful blend of BOTH- it doesn't work at all! The sad thing is that for a movie that is all about throwing shit at the wall just to throw you for a loop, it sure has quite the STUPID and predictable ending, which just goes to show you how much Snyder cared about making this movie deep... or make the slightest shred of sense.

On the topic of NOT making sense and hot women, this movie is ALSO trying to get away with the fact that it's a feminist message movie and WOW, it could not be any more wrong and a bag of chips. You CAN'T have it both ways Snyder- you can't have a bimbo in a bikini with a gun fighting some giant contraption and tell me that's a strong female character- I COULD DO THAT! What really matters is their personalities- you CAN have sexy women also be strong female characters- I am ALL in favor for a movie about a strong sisterhood of kickass female protagonists and they can be as hot as they want to be, but not THIS fucking trainwreck. Why? Well... did these girls have any personality at all? Except super serious and... confused and... that's it? STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMEN, AM I RIGHT?! Also, I don't think the movie had a script- I think it had fortune cookies. There's a character in here who is... supposed to be the mentor of the main girl but he spews out some of the STUPIDEST shit- and doesn't even get the lines right!

This movie has a soundtrack that is one of the most obnoxious things I have heard in my life- I SWEAR this movie feels like the projectionist plugged his iPod where his playlist was made of terrible covers by a terrible girl band of awesome songs (I will NEVER forgive Snyder for butchering "Search and Destroy"), which only make this movie feel more like the STUPIDEST opening cutscene to a poor-man's Call of Duty except with chicks and katanas... wait, was Daikatana the inspiration for this movie? Huh, makes PERFECT sense to me- one of the most GODAWFUL video games ever made, becamse the inspiration to talentless hack with no sense of character or imagination to create one of the most brain-suckingly vanity projects ever made- NOW it all makes perfect sense.

And just to give you a point of reference on how much I HATE this movie- I walked out of it in the theater. I did NOT walk out on Movie 43. Eeyup.

Oh, and they fans of this dreadful piece of drek who claim "but if you rewatch it, you will make sense what THIS line connects to-" I HAVE FUCKING REWATCHED IT! I HAD TO WATCH IT AGAIN IN FULL TWICE AND YOU KNOW WHAT I LEARNED?

Zack Snyder knows how to use foreshadowing. How cute, do you know what OTHER movie used foreshawoding? GULLIVER'S TRAVELS (The 2010 one, that is!)! My point is that it's not a hard tool to use you NUMBNUTS! You know what I also learned? That this movie was based off some 13-year-old dweeb's jizz basket... because that's what Snyder is doing, just jerking off ALL over you.

FUCK this movie and FUCK Zack Snyder and FUCK any dipshit who claims that this movie is deeper than the pile of turds that it is. Also FUCK 2011! I'm done!
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Keananluke's avatar

Transformers dark of the moon